We all want better social connections, but there’s one key skill that can change everything. It’s called congruence, which means our thoughts, feelings, and words match up perfectly. “Congruence” is the easiest way to become socially magnetic.
When we’re not congruent, we say one thing but feel something completely different. We might tell a friend we want to hang out when we really don’t. This creates problems because people can sense when we’re not being real with them. Our body language doesn’t match our words, and trust breaks down. But when we choose to be congruent, we build stronger relationships and feel more confident in ourselves.
Key Takeaways
- Congruence means aligning what we think, feel, and say to build trust and stronger relationships
- Being genuine like children do naturally helps us connect better with others than performing fake social roles
- We can become more congruent by honestly expressing our true thoughts and feelings using “I” statements
What Congruence Really Means
Congruence happens when our feelings, thoughts, and words all match up. It means we say what we truly think and feel.
When we live with congruence, our inner world and outer expression work together. We don’t hide our real thoughts or pretend to feel different than we actually do.
Think of it like this:
- Our emotions are available to us
- We express them honestly
- We don’t put on a fake mask
Children show us great examples of congruence. A five-year-old will tell you exactly what they think without any filter. They might say their favorite Sunday activity is lying on the floor and picking their nose. They feel something and they express it right away.
Adults often lose this natural ability. We learn to perform instead of just being ourselves.
Congruence vs. Lack of Congruence
The opposite of congruence is when we feel one thing but say another. This creates a split between our inner and outer selves.
What lack of congruence looks like:
| Inner Experience | What We Say |
|---|---|
| “I don’t want to go to the movies” | “Yeah, I’m down to go” |
| Feeling angry | “I’m fine” |
| Disagreeing with someone | Staying quiet and nodding |
What congruence looks like:
| Inner Experience | What We Say |
|---|---|
| “I don’t want movies anymore” | “I’d rather go to a restaurant instead” |
| Feeling upset | “I’m not doing great today” |
| Having different thoughts | “I see it differently” |
When we keep living without congruence, we start to lose trust in ourselves. Other people can’t trust us either because our words don’t match what our body shows.
But when we choose congruence, we:
- Feel more confident in social situations
- Trust ourselves more
- Help others trust us too
- Create better relationships
Important note: We never achieve perfect congruence. But working toward it makes all our relationships better. This includes relationships with friends, family, coworkers, and even ourselves.
Why Being Real Matters in Our Social Lives
Our social lives work best when we stay real with others and ourselves. This means our feelings, thoughts, and words match up. When they don’t match, we create problems in our relationships.
Think about it this way. We might feel angry but tell someone we’re fine. Or we might not want to go somewhere but say yes anyway. This creates a gap between what’s happening inside us and what we show the world.
Creating Trust Through Honesty
When we say one thing but feel another, people notice. Our body language gives us away. Others start to sense something is off, even if they can’t put their finger on it.
What happens when we’re not honest:
- People stop believing what we say
- We send mixed signals
- Our relationships feel fake
- Others can’t rely on us
What happens when we stay real:
- People know where they stand with us
- Our words match our actions
- Others feel safe around us
- We build stronger connections
Children show us how this works.
I don’t like the idea of using minors to promote politics or taking advice from a 12 year old on climate change, but in the context of simple communication with congruency a five-year-old will tell you exactly how they feel. They don’t pretend or put on an act.
As adults, we learn to hide our true thoughts and feelings. But this often hurts our relationships more than it helps. That’s playing politics and it’s damaging and a developed bad habit. It distorts and twists the truth and ultimately creates havoc in the long run. It’s the root cause of much evil we see in our world today..
When we speak truthfully about our feelings, amazing things happen. People respect us more. They know we won’t lie to make things easier. This builds real trust that lasts.
Building Inner Strength and Self-Trust
Living truthfully helps us trust ourselves too. When we always say what we really think and feel, we become our own best friend.
The problem with fake responses: We start to hate ourselves when we keep lying about our feelings. We can’t trust anything we say because we know it might not be true.
The power of real responses: When we speak our truth, we feel stronger. We know we can count on ourselves to be honest, even when it’s hard.
Here’s what changes when we stay real with ourselves:
| Before | After |
|---|---|
| We doubt our own words | We trust what we say |
| We feel weak and fake | We feel strong and real |
| We’re scared to speak up | We feel brave and confident |
The best part is that being real gets easier with practice. Each time we tell the truth about how we feel, we get braver. We learn that the world doesn’t end when we’re honest.
Remember, we don’t have to be perfect at this. None of us are completely real all the time. But trying to be more honest helps all our relationships get better. It makes us feel more confident and helps others trust us more.
Carl Rogers and the Humanist Movement
Rogers put congruence at the center of his human-centered philosophy. He believed this quality was essential for good relationships.
Carl Rogers was a Canadian therapist who started the humanist movement back in the 1960s. This approach to therapy worked very differently from other methods at the time.
The humanist movement believed something powerful. People already have all the answers to their problems inside them. They don’t need a therapist to give them quick solutions or advice.
Instead, people just need someone to listen. They need a therapist who acts like a soundboard. Someone who lets them talk through their thoughts and feelings.
Key Ideas from Carl Rogers
Rogers created a framework to help us understand how congruence works. He said we all have two versions of ourselves.
First is our perceived self. This is how we see ourselves right now. Second is our ideal self. This is the person we want to become in our dreams.
When these two selves are far apart, we experience incongruence. But congruence happens when we start to bring them together.
Rogers gave us a clear definition of congruence. He said it’s the state or process of having your emotions available to you and being them without falsity.
He also called congruence a “unification of awareness.” This means our thoughts, feelings, and words all line up.
Children show us what congruence looks like naturally. A four-year-old has no problem telling you their favorite thing is picking their nose and staring at the ceiling. They feel something and express it honestly.
Adults lose this natural congruence through socialization. We learn to perform and play status games. We start hiding our real thoughts and feelings.
Here’s something important Rogers taught us. We never achieve perfect congruence. But trying to become more congruent helps all our relationships. Whether with family, friends, romantic partners, or ourselves. Basically, stop playing politics and be real. You can do it and still be nice. Use class when speaking to others and try to stay above the level of 200 on the Map Of Consciousness.
Essential Relationship Qualities: Being Real, Accepting Others, and Understanding Deeply
Rogers believed three qualities make relationships work well. These apply especially to therapy, but they help in all relationships.
The first quality is congruence – being genuine and real. The second is unconditional positive regard – accepting others completely. The third is empathic understanding – truly listening and understanding.
Unconditional positive regard means something specific. It doesn’t matter what someone has done or is doing right now. We want the best for them. We want them to grow and improve.
Congruence in relationships means our emotions stay available to us. We don’t hide them or fake different feelings. We express what’s really going on inside.
An example of incongruence would be a man who is clearly angry. When someone asks what’s wrong, he says “I’m fine.” His words don’t match what his body shows.
Children excel at congruence because they haven’t learned to hide their feelings yet. They express emotions as they feel them.
Adults often struggle with this. We’ve learned to perform and hide our true thoughts. We worry about what others might think.
The goal isn’t to be perfectly congruent all the time. That’s impossible. The goal is to keep working toward more honesty with ourselves and others.
When we practice these three qualities, our relationships become stronger. We build trust and create deeper connections with the people around us.
Understanding Your Perceived Self and Ideal Self
We all carry two versions of ourselves in our minds. The first is our perceived self – how we currently see ourselves right now. The second is our ideal self – the person we dream of becoming in our best moments.
Think of your ideal self as that fantasy version of you. This is who you want to be when you imagine all your potential coming together. Your perceived self is much more realistic. It’s how you honestly view yourself today.
Incongruence happens when these two versions of ourselves are far apart. When we feel like there’s a big gap between who we are and who we want to be, we struggle. We might feel frustrated or disappointed with ourselves.
Congruence is different. This is when our perceived self and ideal self start to come together. They begin to merge and become more alike.
Here’s what this looks like in real life:
| Incongruent State | Congruent State |
|---|---|
| Big gap between who you are and who you want to be | Your current self aligns with your ideal self |
| You feel frustrated with yourself | You feel more at peace with who you are |
| You doubt your actions and words | You trust yourself more |
We never fully achieve perfect congruence. That’s okay though. Just working toward it helps all our relationships get better. Whether we’re dealing with friends, family, romantic partners, or even ourselves, striving for congruence makes things easier.
The beautiful thing about this process is that children show us what natural congruence looks like. A four-year-old will tell you exactly what they think and feel. They don’t hide their emotions or pretend to be someone else.
As adults, we’ve learned to perform and hide parts of ourselves. We worry about what others think. We play social games that pull us away from our true selves.
When we work on bringing our perceived self and ideal self closer together, something powerful happens. We start to feel more whole. We begin to trust ourselves more because we’re not constantly fighting against who we really are.
This doesn’t mean we become perfect. It means we become more honest about who we are right now while still growing toward who we want to become.
Working Toward Being Real: The Ongoing Process
Working to Be True to Ourselves
We never fully reach perfect realness. This might sound tough to hear, but it’s actually good news. We don’t need to be perfect at being genuine all the time.
The key is that we keep trying. When we work toward being more real, it helps all our relationships. This includes:
- Family relationships
- Friendships
- Work connections
- Romantic partnerships
- Our relationship with ourselves
We might think we need to master being genuine right away. But that’s not how it works. The effort we put in matters more than being perfect.
Think about it like learning to ride a bike. We don’t expect to be perfect on day one. We wobble, we fall, but we keep trying. Being real works the same way.
Each time we choose to share what we really think instead of hiding it, we get better. When we say “no” instead of agreeing when we don’t want to, we practice being genuine.
What We Can Learn from How Kids Act
Kids show us what being real looks like. A four-year-old has no problem telling you their favorite thing is picking their nose and staring at the ceiling on Sunday.
Young children don’t hide their feelings. They feel angry, they show it. They feel happy, they bounce around. They feel sad, they cry.
We can see this in how kids act:
| What Kids Do | Why It Shows Realness |
|---|---|
| Say what they think | No filter between thoughts and words |
| Show emotions clearly | Body matches feelings |
| Ask for what they want | Direct and honest |
| Tell you when they don’t like something | No pretending |
As we grow up, we learn to hide our real thoughts and feelings. We start playing games to look good to others. We worry about what people think.
But kids remind us what it looks like to be genuine. They don’t worry if their emotions are “right” or “wrong.” They just feel them and show them.
This doesn’t mean we should act exactly like children. We can learn from their honesty while still being appropriate adults.
When a child feels something, their whole body shows it. There’s no mismatch between what they feel inside and what they show outside. That’s the kind of alignment we can work toward.
We can practice being more like kids in small ways. We can notice when we want to say something but hold back. We can pay attention to when our words don’t match our feelings.
The goal isn’t to be rude or inappropriate. It’s to be more honest about what’s really going on inside us.
Spotting and Handling Mixed Messages from Others
When we interact with people every day, we often come across folks who say one thing but mean something else. This happens more than we might think. Learning to spot these mixed signals helps us become better at connecting with others.
Most people have lost touch with being real. Adults learn to hide their true thoughts and feelings through years of trying to fit in and play social games.
Common signs someone is giving mixed messages:
- Their words don’t match their body language
- They say they’re “fine” when they clearly look upset
- Their tone sounds angry but they claim nothing is wrong
- They agree to plans but seem reluctant
We can think of this like watching a movie where the sound doesn’t match what we see on screen. Something feels off.
How to respond when we notice mixed messages:
| What We Notice | How to Respond |
|---|---|
| Someone says they’re okay but looks angry | “You seem upset about something” |
| A friend agrees to plans but hesitates | “Are you sure you want to do this?” |
| Someone’s tone doesn’t match their words | “I’m getting mixed signals here” |
The key is to gently point out what we observe. We don’t need to force anyone to open up. Sometimes just letting them know we notice creates space for honesty.
Why this skill matters:
When we can handle other people’s mixed messages well, we stand out. Most people either ignore the disconnect or get frustrated by it. We can do something different.
We can stay calm and curious instead of getting pulled into confusion. This helps the other person feel safe to be more real with us.
Practice responding with empathy rather than judgment. When someone isn’t being straight with us, they’re usually protecting themselves somehow.
The goal isn’t to call people out or make them uncomfortable. We want to create an environment where being genuine feels safer than hiding.
Simple Ways to Build Better Alignment
Speaking Up About What’s Inside
We need to stop hiding what we really think and feel. When someone asks us to do something we don’t want to do, we should say so.
Here’s what happens when we don’t speak up. We say yes to going to the movies when we really want to go to a restaurant instead. We tell people we’re fine when we’re actually angry or upset.
Why this matters:
- We start to hate ourselves because we can’t trust what we say
- Other people notice the gap between our words and our body language
- We lose confidence in social situations
Let’s practice being honest about our inner world. When we feel something, we should name it. When we think something, we can share it. This doesn’t mean we have to be rude or harsh.
Simple examples:
- “I don’t feel like going to the movies. Can we go to dinner instead?”
- “I’m not doing great today, thanks for asking”
- “I disagree with that idea. Here’s what I think instead”
The world won’t end when we do this. We don’t die from being honest. We actually become braver and more like ourselves.
Using “I” Language to Share Your Truth
We should start our honest statements with the word “I.” This makes our communication clearer and less threatening to others.
Instead of hiding our feelings, we can try:
| What We Usually Do | What We Can Say Instead |
|---|---|
| “Fine, whatever” | “I don’t agree with that choice” |
| “Sure, no problem” | “I’d rather not do that right now” |
| “I’m okay” | “I’m feeling pretty frustrated today” |
When we use “I” statements, we take ownership of our thoughts and feelings. We’re not blaming anyone else or making demands. We’re just being real about what’s going on inside us.
Key phrases to practice:
- “I think…”
- “I feel…”
- “I want…”
- “I don’t want…”
- “I prefer…”
This approach helps us stay connected to ourselves while we talk to others. We stop performing or pretending to be someone we’re not.
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