Newsletter: A Simple Guide to Solving Life’s Problems

Published 13 July 2024 by

Martin Hamilton

In an earlier post I wrote about Why All Problems are Interpersonal Relationship Problems and it struck a lot of praise and questions so I decided to expand on it in this newsletter.

A lot of understanding this concept comes from Adlerian Psychology and from a book entitled The Courage To Be Disliked.

“The Courage to Be Disliked,” written by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, is a philosophical dialogue based on the principles of Alfred Adler’s psychology. One of the central ideas presented in the book is that all problems are essentially interpersonal relationship problems. This concept is derived from Adler’s belief that human beings are inherently social creatures and that their sense of self and well-being is deeply intertwined with their relationships with others.

Here are some key points from the book that illustrate this idea:

Interconnectedness of Human Experience: The book posits that our experiences and emotions are largely shaped by our interactions with others. Feelings of inferiority, anxiety, and depression often stem from how we perceive ourselves in relation to others and how we think others perceive us.
Social Context of Personal Issues: According to Adlerian psychology, personal issues cannot be fully understood or resolved in isolation from their social context. For example, a person’s lack of confidence or feelings of inadequacy are often linked to their interactions and comparisons with others.
Community Feeling and Social Interest: Adler emphasized the importance of community feeling (Gemeinschaftsgefühl) and social interest (social feeling, or concern for others) for mental health. The book suggests that many personal problems arise from a lack of these feelings, leading individuals to feel disconnected or alienated from their community.
Striving for Superiority: The book discusses how individuals often strive for superiority or success as a way to compensate for feelings of inferiority. This striving is inherently linked to how they perceive their status within social hierarchies and relationships.
Role of Encouragement: Encouragement and mutual respect in relationships are highlighted as essential for personal growth and overcoming feelings of inferiority. Problems often arise when there is a lack of encouragement or when relationships are characterized by competition and comparison rather than cooperation.

By framing all problems as relationship problems, “The Courage to Be Disliked” encourages readers to focus on improving their interpersonal relationships and developing a sense of community and social interest as pathways to personal fulfillment and psychological well-being.

Freedom is being disliked by other people

In “The Courage to Be Disliked,” it explores the principles of Alfred Adler’s psychology through a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man. One of the provocative ideas presented in the book is that true freedom involves the courage to be disliked by others. This concept is rooted in Adlerian psychology and is meant to challenge the reader to rethink their approach to social approval and personal authenticity.

Here are some key points that illustrate how the book implies that freedom is being disliked by other people:

Living Authentically: The book suggests that in order to live a truly authentic life, one must be willing to act in accordance with their own values and beliefs, even if it means facing disapproval or dislike from others. This authenticity is seen as essential for personal fulfillment and self-respect.
Separation of Tasks: Adler introduces the concept of “separation of tasks,” which means understanding what is within one’s control and what is not. According to this idea, how others perceive or react to you is not your task but theirs. By focusing on your own tasks and letting go of the need to control others’ perceptions, you can achieve a sense of freedom.
Overcoming the Need for Approval: The book argues that the desire for approval and fear of disapproval can be significant barriers to personal freedom. When individuals constantly seek validation from others, they may compromise their own values and desires, leading to a life that is not truly their own.
Courage to Be Disliked: The title itself encapsulates the idea that it takes courage to be disliked. This courage involves accepting that you cannot please everyone and that striving to do so can lead to a loss of self. By embracing the possibility of being disliked, you free yourself from the constraints of seeking external approval and can focus on your own growth and happiness.
Interpersonal Relationships: While relationships are important, the book emphasizes that they should not come at the cost of one’s own integrity. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding, not on the need for constant approval. Being willing to be disliked means prioritizing genuine connections over superficial acceptance.
Self-Reliance and Independence: The book emphasizes the importance of self-reliance and independence. When individuals are overly concerned with the opinions of others, they become dependent on external validation. True freedom involves becoming self-reliant and independent in one’s thoughts and actions, which may sometimes lead to being disliked by those who do not share or understand your perspective.
Responsibility for One’s Own Life: Adlerian psychology, as presented in the book, stresses that individuals must take responsibility for their own lives. This means making choices based on one’s own values and accepting the consequences of those choices, even if it means facing criticism or rejection from others. The courage to be disliked is about owning your decisions and living with integrity.
Breaking Free from the Past: The book discusses the concept of “teleology,” which is the idea that people are driven by their goals and future aspirations rather than being constrained by their past. By focusing on one’s own aspirations and goals, rather than being held back by past experiences or the expectations of others, individuals can achieve a sense of freedom. This forward-looking approach may lead to actions that others do not approve of, but it is essential for personal growth.
Embracing Conflict as a Path to Growth: The book acknowledges that conflict and disagreement are natural parts of human relationships. Instead of avoiding conflict to maintain approval, the book suggests embracing it as an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding. Being willing to be disliked means being open to honest communication and addressing issues directly, rather than compromising oneself to avoid conflict.
Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation: The book distinguishes between intrinsic motivation (doing things because they are inherently rewarding) and extrinsic motivation (doing things to gain approval or avoid disapproval). True freedom involves being guided by intrinsic motivation, which may sometimes lead to actions that others do not like or understand. By focusing on what truly matters to oneself, rather than seeking external rewards, individuals can live more fulfilling lives.
Empowerment through Vulnerability: The courage to be disliked also involves being vulnerable and open about one’s true self. This vulnerability can be empowering because it allows individuals to form genuine connections based on who they really are, rather than a facade created to gain approval. Accepting that not everyone will like

In summary, “The Courage to Be Disliked” implies that true freedom comes from the willingness to live authentically and to accept that not everyone will approve of or like you. This concept encourages readers to focus on their own values and tasks, rather than being constrained by comparing themselves with others.

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